WIB (repost)

So, we talked about what you need to do as a minority person trying to fit in a new age, predominantly white church. As promised, I will examine the other side.

Now, now... don't trick yourself into thinking that this scenario is impossible. What happens if you get called to speak at a black church? Or, even worse, you are asked to keynote a (gasp!) Black History Month symposium? (BHM is in February, BTW).

So, because I am the nice guy I claim to be, I have created a cheat sheet for those who need an empirical reference when faced with such scary situations.

1) The Entry/Welcome: Jeans? Please tell me you are kidding. If you don't have a suit, don't attend. Dress for church as you would a funeral. Think of the Boy Scouts motto.

2) Welcome pt II: When elderly Sister Johnson tells you to come give her sugar immediately "or else" you better go give her sugar. She will swat you. Hard

3) You see those paper fans that have MLK Jr's likeness on them? Leave them alone. They are for parents with kids. And Sister Johnson. See above.

4) Careful with the Amens. Don't be too loud. Don't be too soft. Definitely don't scream. A double Amen means no other Amens should follow. And please don't pump your fist in the air. That could be misconstrued if you were not at the Olympics in the 1960s. If in doubt, study a Kirk Franklin outro for examples of correct refrains (like "preach, preacher!").

5) Praise and worship: If the choir and congregation break into an old Negro Spiritual, I highly advise you not to join in. In fact, that would be a great time to use the bathroom. If restrained, just nod with understanding and shut up.

6) Yes, that is portrait of a Black Jesus. And? Let it go. Don't stare. Let sleeping dogs lie.

7) Remember what I said about no fist bumps? Same applies here. No daps, hood hugs or anything that you saw on BET or the WB.

8) Eat a HEAVY breakfast. There won't be donuts. Service will be LONG. You will be hungry.

9) Offering: The offering plate does not come to you; you get up and go to it. Nuff said. The seeker-friendly movement will arrive eventually.

10) You saw right... that was a modesty blanket, and yes, they are used on men as well.

Sent via my BlackBerry.

WIB (repost)